Shaving: How to do it like a Man

Boredom sucks. It's so dull around here that I've taken to cleaning my Mach 3 Gillette shaving blade.

Back in the old days, like seven years ago or whatever, I was shaving with a manly shaver where you turn a knob to open and pop in a manly blade you bought by the manly dozen. You lather up your manly foaming brush with the manly foaming soap and you dab it (manly) across your manly face.

Then you shave. Like a man.

Now there's no more of that stuff around. The only shavers you can find are either those new Machs from Gillette whose blades cost a bomb and cheap-ass Bics that makes you feel like you're shaving with a Kodomo Lion toothbrush. You don't feel manly, you feel like a kid. A big hairy kid that shaves with a brightly-coloured toothbrush.

Then you don't find those foam anymore. All you got are these foaming soaps that come out of spray cans. Yes, they're faster, more convenient and you don't have to wash that damn brush anymore because you use your hands now but I want to be slow, inefficient and bothered. Fie with efficiency. If it were up to me, I'd have my shavers hand-crafted every morning by semi-trained sloths dressed in leotards.

Of course, I'd shave myself. I'd be nuts to have a sloth shave my neck. Their hand-eye coordination are like zero. That's because they're wasted. No one has ever watched them closely (because they're so damn boring) but if you persevere you'd catch them taking a good long drag of weed. Now you know why they move so slow. They're stoned.

Or, hah, Stroned.

Heck, I don't even know why I'm cleaning my shaver anyway. It's going to be full of beard bits and foam tomorrow morning anyhow. Once it gets dull, I'll buy more cartridges of blades. Brand-loyal, that's what I am. Shaves the bits that I don't want with stuff from Gillette and wash the bits that I keep with stuff from Imperial Leather.

Imperial Leather. Now that name kicks ass.