Doves - Birds of Freakin' War

Now I'm sure you lot would have seen all those pictures of peaceful people at peace events peacefully releasing doves, symbols of peace. Heck, if you can grab another one, stick a small sprig in their mouths and superimpose them on a corny watercolour drawing of the earth, you'd have a picture perfect representation of peace. Like so.



Yeah, well, they haven't seen the doves we have in Greenstead.

As I was walking home from the uni the other day I saw three doves on the trees by the junction. "Oh, what wonderful creatures," I would have said to myself if I was gay. As I approached the junction two of them floated up to towards the heavens, just like in the pictures. They then proceeded to twat each other out of the air.

That was the most awesome thing I have seen on earth. Not that I've ever been outside of the earth, so that technically makes it the most awesome thing ever. If they were duking it out on a burning asteroid plunging itself into the earth as a troop of guitar-wielding dinosaurs play Metallica in the background, that would've been better. I guess we can't have everything, can we?

Anyway, I presume that they were fighting over the third dove, which in turn I presume to be female. They could indeed be a homo-erotic family of birds, I don't know, and don't really care. I'm just watching these birds try to run each other into the ground.

As the third bird sat perched on the tree (she doesn't even care) the other two are attempting to fly and use their wings to bollock the other at the same time. They'd fly right next to each other and start to hand out some punishment. I imagine it's pretty difficult, like doing a drive-by in Grand Theft Auto. After a minor skirmish, they would settle on opposite sides, one on the tree next to the rather apathetic female (being quite an uncaring bitch, isn't she?) while the other would rest a bit on the electric line nearby. After a while they were at it again. It went on like this for a while.

Since I was hungry, I yelled at the birds to hurry it up a bit so that I can get my lunch (at home, obviously, I wasn't planning to grab the bird that lost and make a meal out of it if that's what you're thinking). They arrogantly ignored me. Incensed, I resorted to taunting Charlie, the bird that wasn't at the tree, on the assumption that Charlie was on the loss. Give it a bit of an encouragement, I'd like to think. Get it a bit angry, like that scene in Rocky. "Come on Charlie, you flying pot of genetic inferiority! Be a man-bird for once in yer life, you toss!"

Unfortunately, I think I made Charlie a bit depressed instead, which served my purpose either way. After a few more rounds of having its arse handed back to him, Charlie mournfully flew off, in search of some other bird to pull.

Celebratory dove-love ensued.